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Do you want Universal Anecdotes?

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Postby greg » Sat Mar 6, 04 11:19pm

I don't ask for much. I only ask that people support Dr. Pepper, that my roommates knock before entering my bedroom, and that Chris Boylan host a website that - at least once in a while - makes me laugh. So please stop with all this computer mumbo-jumbo (I've never typed "mumbo-jumbo" before, it was fun!). Or at least supplement the techie info with anecdotes. Anecdotes, Chris, anecdotes!
For example:
Recently, I was outside. While there, I witnessed something gross. A person (not sure of the sex, a la "Pat") was walking his or her dog. The dog went Number Two on the sidewalk. The pedestrian, mindful of the law, picked up said Two with his or her hands in a baggie. Then, he or she wiped the dog's ass, including - and I am not making this up - INSERTING his or her finger for increased cleanliness.
I do not clean myself that thoroughly!
But that's not the part of this story that bothers me!
Later in the day, I relayed this story to my friend. It was one of those things where I expected a big reaction and got...NOTHING! Instead of being grossed out, he said "Oh, was it a bulldog?" In fact, it was. So I said, "Yes."
Apparently, bulldogs cannot reach their behinds with their tongues (neither can I, but I don't ask people to stick their fingers up my ass). So, it is not abnormal for their owners to clean the area for them. My friend's grandfather had a bulldog, who had a favorite chair. That chair remained unoccupied by any human beings forever, and became known as "the shit chair."
My point - and I do have one - is that it is really annoying when you are counting on a certain reaction and get a totally different one. Like when you get a really great deal and so you say, "Guess how much I paid for this!" and your asshole friend guesses LOWER than you paid. Really irritating.
I think we all know what I am talking about. As opposed to a post about computer stuff, where only some people would know what I am talking about. Got it? Universal anecdotes, Chris. That's what I want. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Greg
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Postby dd » Mon Mar 8, 04 12:54am

I second Greg's motion. As Homer would say, "BE MORE FUNNY!"

While I don't think it's necessary to talk about a dog's behind, I'm sure that you have wonderfully funny stories to tell. Or even thoughts on TV shows. "Wonderfalls" for example. Looked crappy at first, but its starting to grow on me. Especially since the guy in it has to be the mini-me of the guy who played Charlie on Party of Five. You can mention tonight's episode of Curb your Enthusiasm with the Survivor joke, since you're a fan. Or the fact that Thursday night's Tough Crowd was the funniest one that I've seen. Also I highly recommend watching "Best Week Ever" Friday's @ 11 on VH-1. It's a bunch of comedians that make fun of all the crazy shit that has happened in the past week.

type away mon frare...

-dd

PS 36 days til Im in Las Vegas.
Your agenda of hope just made me shit my pants. -Jon Stewart
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Postby Chris » Mon Mar 8, 04 3:38am

I think the most comical part (it's a bit of a story, but follow along...) about Greg's post has to be that he rails about people ruining stories with wild-ass guesses, and then calls me this afternoon to tell me how ridiculous his bar exam (law bar, not I-got-so-drunk-I-think-I-made-out-with-a-guy bar) review course costs. Having read his post, I know that any guess I make that is over the amount he is paying will deflate him and ruin his day. So, to keep the momentum rolling along, I refuse to guess how much the course costs. He insists (I presume he does this because it is so completely in Greg's nature to ruin anything that seems to be going well for himself) that I guess. Wanting to make an accurate guess and maintain my public persona as a person who can quickly estimate the cost of things he knows nothing about, (and subconsciously reveling in the potential to frustrate him), I guess the course costs $3,000.

Pause.

"Well, it costs $2400... but still, isn't that a lot?" Not more than $3000, Greg. Not more than $3000.

You brought it upon yourself and you deserve every moment of pain that the "Insisting On An Answer For What Should Be A Rhetorical Question Game!" inevitably brings to bear upon its host. May you and all those that play suffer the same fate. A lame story.
I'm the Chris Boylan who runs Chris Boylan dot com. So there.
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Postby Chris » Mon Mar 8, 04 4:15am

That being said...

I agree. I should be more funny. Do I have things to say... yes. Do I have as much as I usually do? No.

Why, may you ask? Well, for those of you who haven't been following along, I am borderline unemployed. I am still receiving a paycheck, but I don't have to show up for work. That paycheck disappears later on, and as a result I have to begin looking for work. As I am looking at being unemployed for the third time in three years (with the possibility of the Rocky Allen gravy train taken off-line), I am realizing that money may become an issue at some point.

To combat that, I am doing a few different things that limit my comedy time. First, I am teaching myself web design, and more importantly, PHP. This could serve as a backup to either make some cash on the side or to help bridge the gap before I get employed again. Web design - not funny.

Second, I am learning how to trade options. This has the greatest upside potential. With the possibility of making a 60% to 100% annual return on investment, I have to spend some serious time looking at this. If it turns out really well, it could mean that I would no longer need a job. If it doesn't, then I'm really poor. (However, I will never be as poor as my friends in graduate school... like, I don't know... Greg, for instance. When you're in debt for more than the cost of my old condo, that's trouble.) Investing - not funny.

Third, I am running a web server/web hosting company thingy. Although I enjoy it, it does take time and is not funny.

Fourth, while I am still getting paid, I make enough money to entertain myself when I am working, but not enough to do things to fill the eight hours a day that a job usually takes up. As a result, I often do a whole lot of nothing. One of the prerequisites of having funny anecdotes is having a life in which antecdotal events can occur. Most of my anecdotes now revolve around Amber being crazy... and I can't mock her too heavily because she can kill me in my sleep. I recently have begun the process of having a life again and thus, have a story to share. I will post it tonight.

Check back in a week, and tell me if if wacky anecdote guy is back.

P.S. My keyboard sucks, leading to numerous misspellings. I am getting a new one.

P.P.S. Thursday's one-year anniversary of Tough Crowd was a huge disappointment. I love the show and it makes me laugh more than anything else on television (with the possible exceptions of Curb Your Enthusiasm and Arrested Development). However, the show swung and missed a lot more than it should have, given that the regulars took all four spots. In a related note, now funny is Greg Giraldo? That's right, he's a fellow Regis High School alumnus.
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