Awk-ward!

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Awk-ward!

Postby CommentBot » Tue Oct 25, 05 1:45am

<a href="/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=70&Itemid=56">Link back to the article</a>.<br /> <font size=1>(Note: This is original version of article. It may have been edited. Click on link above for most recent version.)<br />(<a href="http://chrisboylan.com/">PhpBB Mambo Comments by Chris Boylan</a>)</font><br /><p>So, I'm a man who used to cut my own hair.&nbsp; Yup.&nbsp; Just took a pair of electric clippers and buzzed it to about 1/4" and then got out the vaccum cleaner.&nbsp; </p><p>It was satisfying too.&nbsp; If I didn't have my goatee (circle beard, technically) I would no longer get to enjoy the satisfaction of making every hair on my head the some length.&nbsp; It was like mowing a lawn with the same sense of accomplishment.</p><p>So, I cut my own hair.&nbsp; And then I met Amber.&nbsp;</p> <p>She claimed that my hair looked stupid.&nbsp; (It did.)&nbsp; She claimed that it would be worth getting it cut by a professional. (It is.)&nbsp; Which was fine in D-Troit.&nbsp; But upon moving to Fayetteville, I had a tough time finding someone who could do it well, and more importantly, do it cheaply.&nbsp; First, I had my hair cut by hot girl with big boobs, but as enjoyable as it was to watch her cut my hair, having a bad haircut for the next three weeks was only kinda worth it.</p><p>Then I found Casey.&nbsp; She was an adorable Southern belle, who talked with a ridiculous southern accent that was endearing in a Gone with the Wind sort of way, not annoying in a white-trash-lady-with-her-face-blurred-out-on-"Cops" way.&nbsp; So things went along nicely, until one day when Casey called me to tell me that she had left her old salon and was starting a new one.&nbsp; In six months.</p><p>In the meantime, I had to find someone else to cut my hair - or grow an afro.&nbsp; If you've ever met my Dad when he needs a haircut - then you know what I mean.&nbsp; Boylan hair does not grow long, it grows BIG.&nbsp; My big hair looks the same style, it just looks like it was for a man with a head twice as big (which is huge, given the size of my melon.) (I said melon, not melons.&nbsp; I'm working out twice a week to fix <em>that</em> problem.)&nbsp; So I found a woman to cut my hair through a friend at work, Kim Kelly/Vegas.</p><p>Long story short, (TOO LATE!) Heaven was now my hair cut person ( I do not see a stylist! I am still a man, dammit!).&nbsp; Well, she was until she left to move to Raleigh to start her own salon.&nbsp; So, I was screwed again.&nbsp; Except that Casey calls that day to say she's opening up her place.</p><p>So all is well. I go back to Casey and no one knows that I was cheating on them for hair cuts.&nbsp; That is, until Heaven returned.</p><p>Her salon in Raleigh fell through at the last minute.&nbsp; So she called me up an begged.&nbsp; And then she begged Kim to convince me to come back.&nbsp; So I did, just never telling Casey about anything. I just simply didn't show up again.&nbsp; (A potential problem since Casey remembered my name and job and our last conversation after not having seen me for six months when I passed her place on the street.)</p><p>So, now I can never again visit the strip mall where Casey's salon is.&nbsp; Then I would have to explain why I left and betrayed her.&nbsp; I know this is a soap opera over a $20 hair cut, but I'm a spaz.&nbsp; It's no big loss since its a crappy mall anyway.</p><p>I've been happily with Heaven (hair-wise) for six months, until I call for an appointment today.</p><p>"Chris, I have to tell you something.&nbsp; My manager left my old place, so I'm leaving too.&nbsp; But don't worry, I'll be just down the street."</p><p>Yes.&nbsp; That's right.</p><p>"I'll be in the Talk of the Town Salon from now on.&nbsp; I have my own chair"</p><p>Let me guess.&nbsp; Your new manager's name, is it Casey?&nbsp;</p><p>"Yeah, why?&nbsp; Do you know her?"</p><p>&nbsp;</p><p>So now I have to find a brand new place to get my haircut.&nbsp; The fourth since I got here. <br /></p>
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Postby Chris » Tue Oct 25, 05 1:49am

It's kind of depressing. I really enjoy writing stuff like this, but as you can see I need to spend about another 20 minutes polishing this story up. It has a good framework, but the end could be crafted to a better punch.

If I wan't so lazy, I would have formatted the last phone conversation better and drawn it out more, plus I would have set up the me-as-slob thing longer. And made more brillo hair jokes about me and my Dad (and Brendan).

I know that if I spent more than 30 minutes on these things, I could do a damn good job. I also know that if every entry took an hour, I would never write any.

So here we are.

I need to be a millionaire so I can write about this crap. I'm working on it. Give me 'til Memorial Day.
I'm the Chris Boylan who runs Chris Boylan dot com. So there.
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Postby dd » Tue Oct 25, 05 7:04am

That's hilarious. Thank God you don't have photos. Its funny, Dad just got his hair cut last week and everytime I'm still shocked by how much hair Maureen takes off and there is still head under there. I'm sure Bendan can add about the size of Boylan hair if he talks about the "straight, bowl-cut" years. If necessary, I have access to many a photo.

The Boylan Girl hair isn't much better, instead of getting bigger it just get curlier. Amy just cut my hair about a month ago and it still takes roughly 45 minutes to "straighten" it. Even then, it'll be wavy about an hour later.
Your agenda of hope just made me shit my pants. -Jon Stewart
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Postby Chris » Tue Oct 25, 05 10:29am

Great signature. Id have to say that the Adam Carolla project may be some of his best work on TV. He's just a long-form rambler and he still seems a bit awkward on his Comedy Central show - not that he cares, On Loveline a few months back, he talked about how he didn't care if it got cancelled because he agreed to do it before he got Stern's gig on the West Coast.

Which, by the way is now official. You can say goodbye to K-Rock in NYC. Welcome Free FM and David Lee Roth.

As for Brendan's failed bowl haircut, which he refused to admit was a failure for years, I only remember Brendan in middle school as the kid walking around holding his hair down with both hands, because the second he moved them, his hair would curl up big-time. Then he had to get hair straightening gel, but they didn't make anything strong enough for white people, so he had to get "Shaniqua's Straight 'N It!" or something similar.

At least I was the oldest, so many of my mistakes are forgotten by my younger siblings. You guys are screwed.
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Getting

Postby Erik » Tue Oct 25, 05 8:48pm

Sounds like you need to take matters into your own hands again.......Technology may be able to help
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Postby bitsy » Tue Oct 25, 05 9:07pm

it was "African Pride" (administered by Ginger Marrone btw)

and that melon/melons joke made me laugh out loud. but don't take that as encouragement to talk about your man boobs anymore.
terrorists hate our freedom.
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Postby dd » Tue Oct 25, 05 9:30pm

and dont forget when he used to shower then fall asleep with his hair wet and a hat on in hopes that he would wake up with it straight.

The African Pride years were pretty funny. That was when Chris and I had braces, Allison was missing teeth and we found out Brendan was adopted. Good times.
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