[Blog]

Permanent link to: <br /><br /><a href="http://www.chrisboylan.com/blog/archives/000246.php">Amber Pillowcases</a>

<p>I think that by this point, we're all aware that my girlfriend, <a href="http://www.amberkmiller.com">Amber</a>, is completely crazy. She suffers from some kind of modified OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) whereby everything that possibly involves me has to be clean, but anything involving just her - not so much. (See similar stories of crazy over at <a href="http://www.ronrunsthecity.com">Ron's site</a>, hosted on this server.)</p>

<p>For instance, if I make the bathroom/bedroom/kitchen messy, then I get yelled at and have to clean it up. (She doesn't get as angry at this as she did before, as I presume my constant barrage of mess has dulled her senses) However, her car is allowed to be a total filthbag at all times. There have often been times that I have been unable to put my feet on the floormat on the passenger side because there was too much accumulated rubbish blocking my way. Instead, I was forced to rest my feet on the floating pile of empty water bottles, mail and gum and food wrappers, hoping that they wouldn't be swallowed under.<br />
C'est la Amber.</p>

<p>This is only a minor annoyance however, as I do my best to avoid her car. Her craziness becomes unavoidable whenever I attempt to go to sleep.</p>

<p>As I am a night owl (I know that this fits in spectactularly with my chosen profession) (I'm a fish-monger, if you must know) (No, "monger does not mean <em>that</em>, it means "seller"), I get to bed well after Amber has turned in for the night. Every time I attempt to actually get under the sheets, I have to spend the first two minutes untangling the the sheet and blanket from her wrapped cocoon. Not so much a "clean" crazy here as it is an inconsiderate crazy. She steadfastly refuses to tuck the sheets in, and even untucks them when I try to make the bed. </p>

<p>Knowing full well that in a few hours I will be coming to bed - and needing sheets - she hoardes them all for herself. If I attempt to tuck them in to keep at least 1/4th of a sheet on my half of the bed, she immediately kicks them out, declaring, "My feet have to be free!" Yup, crazy.</p>

<p>Back to the clean unavoidable crazy. First, she cannot use a towel or facecloth more than once, which results in huge amounts of laundry. Personally, I use a towel until I find the smell overwhelming, but I'm a heathen.</p>

<p>Second, she only uses pillowcases for four days. Why four? Because after one night, she flips it over. Next night, she flips it back and finally - back again to the second side. Two alternating nights for each side of the pillow. Then it must be changed. Crazy, but whatever.</p>

<p>Here's where it gets weird. If you're obsessed with cleanliness, one would think that after a pillowcase becomes "unclean" (see Leviticus 15:26), that it would have to be discarded to the laundry pile and replaced by a new one? Right? And she does get a new pillowcase. However, she <em>slips it over the existing pillowcase</em>! This makes no sense! If you're a clean freak, why would you want an unclean pillowcase only an 1/8th of an inch of flimsy 80 count material away from your face? </p>

<p>The only reason I could possibly come up with justifying this behavior is that she feels its a time saver to not remove the old pillowcase. But a timesaver? Congratulations, Amber. By not removing this pillowcase now, you've saved ten seconds! If you die before you have to take both pilowcases off, losing your ten second gain, you'll be ten seconds up on the universe! It's forward thinking like that that will create the productivity necessary to revive this economy and maybe get me a job again.</p>

<p>Again, nuts.</p>

<p>P.S. The NCAA Basketball orgy has been in full swing. The CBS digital channel, which I receive over my HD box, is simulcasting all of the first and second round games, allowing me to flip between all live games for free. You can buy this package for about $60 from DirecTV, or get it over your antenna for free. Well, by free I mean after you spend $250 on the box necessary to receive it.</p>

<p>P.P.S. It looks like I'll be getting my HD TiVo by the beginning of May, at which point I will no longer have to ever leave the house. Good times.</p>

[dd]

I had a smiliar problem with having my feet free. I needed them to be colder than the rest of my body. By the morning I used to be scrunched down at the bottom of my bed, with sheets above me and feet sticking out. Once in awhile I still have to do this, I even got to the point where all I had on the bed was a fitted sheet and a comforter. It allowed for easier control of the temp. Other sheets were just getting in the way of my feet being the right temperature.

Since I have moved back home after college, I bought new sheets to give my room an update, and they are so comfortable I can't not use them. So I no longer have a long term feet free issue.

As far as the pillowcase goes, that's insane. I can understand flipping a pillow cause one side is colder, but are you really that dirty that you must change every four days? I've known people at school that have gone entire semesters and one kid went a year (he didn't have many friends) without washing the sheets.

I can understand on the facecloth thingy, ones that are washed and dried in the machine are way sofer and nicer to use then ones you hang up to dry. BUt when they get wet, its all the same.

[greg]

That pillowcase thing is crazy. Irrational behavior like that always makes me take pause and think of a kid at Fordham named Charlie (I refuse to use his full name, because I don't want him to get the satisfaction of having a successful Google search). He bites his fingernails, instead of clipping them. But not because he has some nervous habit, like many people have. No...he lets his nails grow out, then when it is time to cut them, he bites them. Why doesn't he use clippers? Because the fingernail clippers are too small. What about toenail clippers? "That's gross! I'm not going to touch my fingernails with something that touched my toenails!" WHAT?!
And I'm angry about Dennis Miller; I used to really like him.

[amberkmiller]

in my defense about the pillowcase situation:

i have a thing about having a clean face. which is the reason i use a new washcloth for washing my face everytime (generally 2-3 times a day: a face wash before the gym, a shower after the gym, and a face wash to remove makeup before bed) and a new towel everytime i wash my face and/or shower (again, 2-3 times a day). in an attempt to cut down on laundry i use only small hand towels for instances when im just washing my face.

now on to the pillowcases...it dosent make any sense to lay my newly washed face down on a dirty pillowcase. that would totally defeat the purpose of having a clean face in the first place. being that i use a fair amount of hair products, of course during the course of the night they get on the pillowcase and contaminate it...therefore the maximum 4 day pillowcase usage rule.

and yes, maybe its a bit lazy to slip the clean pillowcase over the dirty one, but after all the pre-bedtime facial cleaning, im usually tuckered out and just want to get to sleep as soon as possible. while i realized that this act does, in fact, contaminate the inside of the new pillowcase, the outside of the pillowcase remains contaminant free (until i sleep it for a few nights, of course)


as for the sheets...i dont intentionally hog the sheets, im not trying to be rude...but i just cant sleep with the sheets tucked in. its a comfort thing. and if somebody came to bed before 4am(like a normal human being) we probably wouldnt be dealing with the blanket stealing problem in the first place.
ive come up with a possible solution that doesnt require him to come to bed too early, being we each have our own set of blankets, but chris refuses. so dont feel too sorry for him.
am

[Mr. Gary]

... I'm the same way as Amber in that my feet almost always have to be sticking out from the sheets and the blankets, no matter how cold it is in the room ... And yes, that used to cause havoc when I lived with an old girlfriend a few years ago, as she would always make the bed all nice and neat with the sheets tucked in, and I'd proceed to demolish that work the second I got into bed.

[Chris]

I think what we're failing to grasp here is the sheer enjoyment that is derived from getting into a newly-made bed. It is a feeling I've only had about once or twice in the past year. I don't care if her side is untucked, I just want my half tucked in. That seems like a fair compromise to me.

As for the two sets of sheets idea, that would only serve to further clog the bed area with more piles of sheets - the very thing I'm trying to avoid. Plus, it's not like she can stay anywhere near her side of the bed either. I can't think of a time where I came in and her feet were not within 6 inches of hanging off my side of the bed.

And as for the Charlie thing, that goes deeper than we can even get into here. First, why not just get a second pair of toenail clippers to use for your hands, idiot? Second, this guy used to claim that he had prototypical hands and feet... that if someone were to design the perfect human, they should use his hands and feet as a model. Are you kidding me?

First off - what could possibly make you think of that in the first place, and second, who on earth could be so full of himself to think that he had a perfect anything? Well, I think Greg and I know the answer.