Category: General
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Marceau, WV - A town stands speechless, their empty top-hat at their feet, after news of another mime fire spread from house to house.

A silent vigil is being held at the town square a mere 72 hours after the mime fire that killed four broke out.  News travels slowly in this small mountain town.

"Answering the phone is a ridiculous ordeal!" Kristin Baker, the 15 year old daughter of one of the mimes who made it out alive.  "Every damn time I answer the phone and its one my Dad's friends, I yell for them to speak.  'I can't see you miming over the phone!'  But it doesn't make a difference.  I have to get out of this place.  I think if I let Tim get to second base, he might let me borrow his car."

The rescue efforts continued for for hours, but local authorities were unable to make much progress until a state trooper called in help from surrounding towns.

"It took me a few minutes to understand what they were doing.  I tried to give them a dollar so they would stop bothering me, but they were persistent.  I even tried dropping a fiver, and that's when I saw the flames," reported Sgt. Rick Perrity.

After calling in backup, Sgt. Perrity went back in to help.

"I normally try to get off of the mime beat, but I drew the short straw.  When I went back to help, I tried to grab the rope they were using to pull people out, but I couldn't find it.  It turns out they were using an invisible one.  This made any attempt at rescue much harder."

While it appeared that the Marceau Rescue Squad was in full action, nothing was getting accomplished.  That's when Sgt. Perrity ran down into the shaft.

"After getting to the fire location, I yelled for survivors, but heard nothing.  I feared for the worst."

But luckily for this poor West Virginia town, things were about to take a turn for the better.

"That's when I saw this white glove through the heavy smoke.  I ran over to it, and five mimes had trapped themselves in an invisible box.  

"I picked the sickest one up - they're skinny little things.  I tried to get the rest of them to follow me out, but they couldn't find the door to the box.  That's when I decided to screw it - They were on their own"

Sgt. Perrity saved Mime "Gerard" - but Gerard's luck had run out.  As the Marceau First Aid Squad began to fake-pump his chest - Gerard let out a cough.

"That was pretty much it for Gerard," said local YMCA manager and former mime Fred Post.  "Once you make a noise, you're black-balled from ever working in this town again.  We'll give him a cot for a few days, but he's gonna have to move on."

"It has to stop," Fred continued.  "I mean, it's a whole town of mimes!  What were they thinking?  Seriously, do something useful with your lives!"

The town, though battered by recent events, is still proud.  A mime with the name tag "Scoopy" walked up to Fred and put his finger to his lips.

"No!  Stop it!  I will no longer be a part of this!"  Fred screamed back.  "Your name is Bill Schmitt and I went to high school with you!  Your name is not Scoopy, and you wanted to sports agent when you grew up!  Well... being a mime may actually be a step up from that - but come on... get a real job, Bill!  I know you talk to that girl from Beckley.  It's time to move on!"